you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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