How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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