Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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