New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
