We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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