Michael Bay diarrhea
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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