Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
