Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
