Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize