i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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