Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
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