Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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