mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Randomize
