I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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