She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
