Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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