Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
