guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just found puke in my bra..
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
