Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
