3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
