4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
