I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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