So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
we're chasing vodka with high fives
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
