it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
