I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Your penis caused this!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
