she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
