remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
