im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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