I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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