her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
So apparently I’m into choking now
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