I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
only you would photoshop your dick
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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