So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Buhtt sex?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
