he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just threw up on my dentist
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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