my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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