Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
