I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
