he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
