You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize