I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
