My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
