You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
