why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
