My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
