Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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