I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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