mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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