If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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