Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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