I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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