On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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