Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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