so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
someone owes me an orgasm
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
