first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
