How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
