Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
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