I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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