hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
