If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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