I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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