so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
