He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
