My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
