Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize