My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
