My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
