I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
