I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
