I think i peed on brittanys purse
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
